Thursday, April 16, 2015

Action / Reaction

Have you ever considered whether you are acting or reacting to life. Looking back over my life, I think in my late teens and early 20s, I did a lot of reacting. Didn't bother to check things out or verify the information I received, I just took the information and reacted to it.

Wonder how many people do that today? Do I do that now. Do we attempt to get to the bottom of things? Do we try to understand why things happened the way they do? I know that now I am more questioning whereas when I was younger, I was more accepting. People would tell me things and I would accept what they said rather than check it out and verify what they were telling me was true. In other instances, I drew conclusions without really investigating or examining the circumstances.

Did this rub off on my children. Did I teach them to examine the issues or did I even discuss it with them. As I grow older -- I am 73 now -- I look more carefully at life and the decisions I make. I don't jump to conclusions as much as I used to. I also think and reflect more on what is being said and what is happening around me. I realize that I don't always have to be right or correct, I don't have to challenge other people's actions; I just need to be true to myself and to God.

Early on in life, I attended religious services and tried to convey the image of a Christian because I thought that was what you should do. I was raised in the church and attended on a regular basis because it was insisted upon. My mom died when I was four and there was just my dad and I. My brother was off in the Navy and Korea. My sister was off doing here thing. My dad and I had a good relationship but there was no cuddliness or warm affection. So I looked for love and that warm feeling by developing relationships with girls -- frequently more than one at a time. I felt a need to be loved; however, I confused intimacy with love. I always felt like I needed to be in a relationship.

Sometimes, I would be close and intimate with more than one young lady at a time. I think that had a lot to do with my feeling lonely and looking for love. But because I was young and my hormones were raging. I mistook intimacy and compassion for love.

I remember one long term  relationship I terminated because the young lady was in college and more concerned with college then with me -- or at least so I thought. Did I sit down and talk with her about it? No! I just reacted. Because we were separated by a significant geographical distance and I needed companionship (love?), I started a relationship with a young lady at the college I was attending and terminated the relationship with the young lady that I had been dating and was engaged to for a long time.  I never really talked to either young lady about my actions or emotions at the time. I just reacted to the feeling of being lonely and what I perceived as being strung along.

I've been married for more than 43 years and love my wife very much. I sometimes wonder if I am too affectionate but 'Hey, I can't help it!" I love my wife very much and need to express affection and appreciation for her putting up with my idiosyncrasies. I like to touch her and kiss her on the top of the head. Why? I don't have a clue other than I just enjoy being with her. She likes to have sound like the radio or the television playing while she is reading. I like it quiet. We are probably more different than we are alike but she is my girl. Oh well, se la vie.

Thank you God for giving me more than I deserve.

1 comment:

Laura said...

You are a great writer! Enjoyed reading your reflections. I am also a reactor. We are looking forward to seeing you all soon!